Lyrics to BEAUTIFUL by Eminem

Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I’m reaching out for you

I’m just so *** depressed
I just can’t seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up

I don’t know how or why or when
I ended up this position I’m in
I’m starting to feel dissin’ again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can’t admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

And I know some shit’s so hard to swallow
But I can’t just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I’ll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow
I’ll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you’d have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others’ minds
Just to see what we’d find
Look at shit through each others’ eyes

Don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get ***, just stay true to you
So don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get ***, just stay true to you

I think I’m starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything’s so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it’s like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
‘Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I’m not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don’t need no *** man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of ‘em ain’t even funny like

Ha! Marshall you’re so funny man
You should be a comedian, *** damn!”
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don’t you all sit down
Listen to the tale I’m about to tell
Hell, we don’t gotta trade our shoes
And you ain’t gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we’d find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get ***, just stay true to you
So don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get ***, just stay true to you

Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I’m reaching out for you

The lyrics of this song really spoke to me…spoke to where I am today as a birthmother in an open adoption…

Struggling with so many conflicting feelings, wanting to be like moms who would have never even considered adoption as an option and struggle to be the best parent they can be everyday, wanting others to understand why I feel the way I do about being a birthmom and what it feels like to be a birthmom in an open adoption, not knowing what to do about or with all the pain and regret.  Sometimes not wanting to talk about it anymore.  Feeling as if I have to behave a certain way to protect others from your pain.  Acting out a role to spare others the uncomfortable feelings.  Watching relationships unravel when I can’t seem to stay in character as the “happy, accepting, nurturing” birthmom, being unable to keep my pain in check when spending extended time with my “birth”daughter.  Wanting the pain to end.  Considering my options to minimize the pain. Wanting to do the right thing.  Finding often that I’m clueless about what the right thing is for everyone involved, not having the will or strength “to do the right thing” consistently.

Even after almost 19 years in this open adoption, I have so many unanswered questions and feel as if I’m floundering in the dark.  Sometimes I want to just run away from it all.  Focusing on the pain and the regret has taken it’s toll, but to do anything else…to tell myself that “I made the right choice” or that “it was acceptable and right for me to relinquish my parental rights because it was in the best interest of my child or that what I did was an act of love”, to just let go of the regret and accept what has occurred…I can’t seem to walk out a path of acceptance and peace as a birthmom.  Is it possible?  How does one do so?  To try to force it or to fake it (which I haven’t been able to manage to do in the last seven years) has become impossible at worst and an intense dichotomy at best.  To do so…to be present and squash my “crazy, conflicting feelings” is more comfortable for others, but I find that to do so I have to enter into a state of detachment, numbness, and a state of suspension where I am physically, but not emotionally present.  Kinda like a zombie or the invisible “woman”.

Yet this state could not and cannot continue as it has for many years…facing the constant inner turmoil on a monthly basis…which was part of my motivation to move out-of-state; an attempt to distance myself from the pain somewhat and to figure out what to do to end this cycle of pain and emotional anguish.

Can I change the way I feel about and the perspective I hold on what I have done?  I’m attempting to find a way to participate in this open adoption in a manner that doesn’t force me to live a lie, but also doesn’t enclose me in a prison of (or encase me in a shell of potentially explosive) pain and anger.  How?  What do I do?

I still do not have the answers and so I find myself in limbo…having an inkling that there could possibly be SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL just beneath the surface of this mess my life has become.  On the other hand facing that I separated myself from my child and believing that in doing so I obliterated the process of parenting her which would have/could have made me into a stronger, wiser, more valuable, loving, and insightful woman today than the one I’ve become, facing the endless losses of the decision to relinquish…  It is this particular thought process alone that is a significant source of my regret and pain.  Somehow I must reconcile these two beliefs…holding on to the hope that somehow, somewhere I can come out a better person despite the choices I made to separate myself from my daughter, that I can somehow be all I was meant to be.  Is it still possible or how much is possible?  That is one of the many questions I must answer.

If I could only figure out how to release it…the pain, the reget, the decision…to my change myself and my life to be what I desire it to be.  I keep thinking of the phoenix bird and hope that I will be able to find a way to resurrect the better parts of myself and extinguish much of the anger and pain.  To find a way to resurrect a relationship with Sri that will allow both of us to love and trust one another and at the same time acknowledge (not deny) each other’s truth of what has happened between us and how that act-the relinquishment and adoption-has impacted who we are today together and apart.

All I can say for now is thank God for all the other birthmoms blogging…reading about someone else walking a similar path is what has kept me somewhat sane when I thought it was just me thinking the thoughts and feeling the way I did/do and wondering if I was losing it.

Thank-you to all birthmoms who are courageous enough to share the truth of relinquishment and the ongoing walk towards a loving connection with the child(ren) we have relinquished.

I’m currently typing up and responding to journal entries related to my pregnancy (18+ year ago), my path to relinquishment, and the experience of adoption.  I hope to somehow whittle away at this anger and depression that take up so much of my time and energy.  I feel like I drifted off shore from my “original self” when I signed those relinquishment papers, and I’ve been treading waters in a torrential sea storm ever since, drifting farther and farther from my “original self”.  Of course, I’m not too sure I like my “original self” much, as she’s the one who got me in this mess (this mess =relinquishment and open adoption) to begin with, but…oh!…to have anger be a much smaller chunk of my emotional make-up again!

Looking over the results for my google search, I picked a link entitled “A birthmother’s thoughts on adoption” and was instantly transported to Blogher.com.  After reading the post by Jenna, I then clicked on her link and ended up, once again, on a familiar birthmom site-”The Chronicles of Munchkinland“.  I spent time perusing Jenna’s archival posts in an attempt to discover the timeframes for her open adoption experience. It just always helps me to know what year they placed to better understand the triad member’s perspective in a blog posting.  This time, for whatever reason, I experienced an “aha” moment of connection with Jenna and her experience which makes me want to come back and read more.  The post I so connected with is Unpopular.   Check it out for a perpective I share on “unmarried women and pregnancy”.

Jenna and Dawn (This Woman’s Work) are co-authoring a book on open adoption. Their book will provide information on the open adoption experience from the perspective of the adoptive mother and the birthmother.  They will be sharing from two different open adoption experiences, as Jenna placed with D. and Penny is the birthmom in Dawn’s adoption experience.  I know they will be honest and forthright about their experiences.  Hurrah!  Jenna and Dawn will have much to tell and to teach about their own experiences in open adoption.  I look forward to the read.  Ever since I’ve read Patricia’s Dischler’s book-”Because I Loved You”, I’ve felt that more perspectives on open adoption need to be made available to the public, and especially to young women considering whether or not to parent.  Actually there are so few books written by those in the open adoption experience that it couldn’t hurt for many more stories to be told.  Fantasies about the adoption experience continue to abound in society and those fantasies are what draw young, unsuspecting women down the path of adoption.  This may be beneficial to adoption agencies, but not necessarily beneficial to triad members when it comes to the big (long-term) picture.  (It would be fantastic for a book to be written by all members of the triad on “open adoption” someday).

I have wondered whether I should or could write a book on adoption myself, but I am concerned about how my story would impact Sri and her family.  Possibly in time I will be able to consider what of my perspective on adoption would add information this topic.  When my anger is less of the driving force behind why I write…maybe then.  In the meantime I write because of my anger.  Anger, truly, is not my only experience of open adoption;  it’s just that currently it’s the most intense experience for me (towards me). (Being so angry-not an attractive quality…I feel like most days I’m walking around as a porcupine…lots and lots of quills…so keep your distance!…lol…)  This condition of the heart doesn’t do much to alleviate loneliness or assist on in building healthy, nurturing relationships!  All the while I’m cognizant that Sri is watching this from afar.  That’s my motivation to change and so I whittle away while treading water!  Thank God I’m able to multi-task!

Best wishes to Dawn and Jenna!  Writing about experiences of adoption, whether open or closed, takes great resolve.  So kudos to you both…MAJOR KUDOS AND THANKS!!

Except I’m reluctant to share lately (in a personal comment on Barb’s blog) from my experience, because my open adoption experience is anything, but “a happy ending”.  The pics and contact for a birthmother of/with one’s child are so intensively satisfying.  But it’s the unknown, “feeling so irrelevant” or not knowing at all where one fits in the big picture (other than the label of birthmom) that is so unnerving and threatens to wake “the fire-breathing dragon” within.

I think I’m beginning to wonder more and more about birthmothers, whom I’ve heard about, that express no regret or pain related to their adoption experience.  Do birthmothers who feel no pain or regret about relinquishing their child have a different emotional makeup or is the pain so intense that they have to bury it deep from their conscious in order to survive daily?

Lately…i’ve been wanting to fantasize about not having anything at all to do with adoption…wondering what it would be like to live my life and not ever have to experience the feelings of a birthmom and have to figure out how/where I fit in my “relinquished” child’s life.   I also wonder if my daughter would want very much for this to be her reality too…to not ever have to deal with a birthfamily or think about being adopted.  Though Sri has yet to say anything at all like this to me, I can’t help but wonder if she feels this way. After all it’s not like she had any say at all in the decisions made “on her way into this world”.  Does the “openness” of adoption make Sri’s adoption experience more palatable?  I somehow doubt that.

I have to say it has been hard (extremely hard) trying to figure out how to be a birthmother in an open adoption experience (especially long-term) with little to no guidance.  I recently shared these comments (along with many others) with my daughter’s mother.  She said nothing in response.  It was my first totally honest conversation with Dee in 18 years.

As for our ongoing “openness in this adoption experience”…Dee and I haven’t spoken since that “honest on my end” conversation (11/09)…despite the passing of Dee’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years!  Openness??  How easily it has evaporated…it makes me wonder-what was the foundation for openness?  What was the motivation for openness??  It differs for each person in the adoption triad, and definitely differs at various seasons in the adoption process, and through the seasons of one’s personal life experience, as well.

It is definitely my opinion that, mostly, openness in adoption needs to be about the adoptee having access to information about their families of origin from the very beginning and eventually having access to the people who hold the links to their genetic and family history.  Openness beyond pictures and letters may be simply a pied piper’s dance where the dancers dance themselves into a quagmire of one unrealistic expectation after another.   Open adoption in an idealistic form is most likely an illusion of insane proportions.

Speaking of openness…I would say our “openness-mostly between Dee and I” began to dismantle in March 2006 when I openly expressed to Dee that my priority was spending time with my daughter and that I was not willing, at that time, to get together with she and Max, if Sri was not going to be present.  Based on several events that had occurred, I believe Dee took this to mean I did not view having a relationship with her or Max as important to me.    It was not my intention to minimize my relationship with Dee, but only to set personal boundaries and to be open in communication.  Over time, though, I could feel that Dee was distancing herself from me, and I did not make any attempt to improve our relationship.  As a result, we both began to communicate only about Sri and subsequent visits.

Later I was reminded of how much our “openness” had eroded when I found out, three months after the fact, that Dee’s father (my daughter’s a-grandfather) had died.    To me this would have been a significant event for the family and believed up until that time that Dee included “me-Sri’s birthmom” as family.   Needless to say I was in shock and it caused me to question even my “connection” to Sri, as I had no “perception” that anything that serious was occurring during that time period in Sri’s life.

Currently I really have NO CLUE how to work on a relationship with Sri, Dee, or even Max, for that matter, now that Sri has turned 18, and much discord has developed between Sri and Dee.  I’m at a loss and so I turn to blogs on open adoption and adoptive relationships in reunion to gain some clarity. My hope is that, as I make my way blindly on this newly trodden path, my actions (or possibly lack of momentum, at times, to take action) does not create irreparable damage in my relationship(s) with my child, with her family, and even with my own family (related to my sensitivities around adoption and “family” these days).

Ahhh…the illusions of openness in adoption or is it just the breakdown of “openness” in adoptive experience.  Open adoption may seem relatively workable in the first five years or so, but try working out an ongoing “openness in adoption”  over decades.  It takes strength and tenacity beyond words (and maybe even a bit of insanity…lol)!

After Sri cancelled our Wednesday holiday get-together, I had mentioned repeatedly through a chat and email and fb messages that I would like to see her, even if just briefly, before Christmas…to no avail.   Sri did not return my messages and suddenly went “off-line” while chatting about this very subject.  I had concluded that any holiday contact with her birthmom must be a “no go” and I had given up hoping for a Christmas related get-together.

Then on Christmas eve I got a text from Sri asking “whether I still planned to come by or whether we could meet halfway”.  Huh??!???!!

I had made plans with my mother to be with her on Christmas eve  (as I had to work on Christmas day) and still had quite a bit to do before heading to my mother’s place for the evening.  Hearing from Sri so unexpectedly and last minute, I experienced a jumble of feelings from shock to annoyance to happiness!  Needless to say I was relieved and annoyed at the same time!  Do these two emotions (relief and annoyance) even belong in the same sentence?

I attempted to take a step back from the situation to determine what I wanted to do and what would be the best way to handle this sudden invitation.  I began to ask myself…”Why was this contact so last minute??”  ”Was this just Sri’s attempt (now as a young adult) to navigate the “two world syndrome of adoptees” during the holidays or had she just procrastinated (one of my more annoying traits) on getting back to me??”  Hmmm…what to do??   Finally I decided the “whys?” were not nearly as important, at the moment, as the “hows?”.

So I waited and thought (considering that I had much to do and little time to do it in, and that meeting Sri as she suggested and where she suggested,  I would end up, most likely, spending hours in traffic and would have to rearrange plans with my mother at the last minute), and came to the decision that this was as good a time as any to work on asserting healthy boundaries in our relationship.

So I called Sri, and when we spoke on the phone, I didn’t communicate my disappointment and annoyance, but just chatted and laughed about what she was up to.  I suggested she come to my mom’s house since that was where I was planning to go that afternoon and be that evening.  Sri, not only, agreed to do so, but actually arrived at my mom’s (without directions) with perfect timing.  Sri’s infectious smile and gracious attitude, along with her beau’s good-natured humor, made the visit memorable and a joy!

The visit was brief, and because I was ridiculously tired (from not sleeping the night before due to my churning, out-of-control emotions), I wasn’t a very lively participant.  My mother carried the conversation and kept suggesting Sri stay and spend the evening, but I knew she had plans to go to a movie with her friend (who had come along and was a good sport about it).  So I intervened and thanked them for coming, allowing them to exit gracefully and get on with their plans for the evening without guilt detaining them further.   All the while I was wishing I weren’t so tired and that Sri could stay.  Regardless, just seeing her, even for this brief visit, restored my sanity and chased away the crazies.

It happens with such regularity, yet I still find myself amazed.  It’s like a drug to the druggie!  This moment of high/exhilaration/calm/feeling centered that can’t be matched by anything else…no matter what we try!  How this relationship between a birthmother and her child (particularly in an open adoption, and very possibly in reunions) can be so jarring when the connection is disrupted, and then so centering, when the connection is restored, is a constant conundrum and, at the same time, a testament to the lifelong bond from birth that exists between a mother and child, despite all arguments to the contrary.

**************************

Here are some bits and pieces from two recent posts by Barb (one of my favorite bloggers on open adoption) on December 9th and 10th that reiterate much of what I shared in this post about my recent contact with Sri.

“…and then she put the Kiddo on the phone.

i turned into a ball of mush. internally, anyway. he told me about his passion-of-the-moment in detail, his favorite subjects in school, life in middle school. i just listened and grinned while looking out the bedroom window. it was as if we talked frequently.

i heard him laugh. i recognized the extraordinarily grown up cadence of his speech. how many almost twelve year olds express how they’re “much more well adjusted to middle school this year”? i bit the insides of my cheeks, fighting the urge to giggle.

i spent the remaining few hours of my day yesterday in a half-daze.

“did i really just talk to The Kiddo?

Best F*cking Christmas Present Ever.

i tried to explain to Chris how freeing it was. how just having the information, and out in the open no less, released some deep seated fears. i don’t believe i could articulate it clearly.

this has been a most interesting turn of events, and perhaps a new chapter in this story. if nothing else, it’s brought the Kiddo out of “mythical” status. and that’s invaluable.”

You can read both of Barb’s posts-afterthoughts and pants equals presents-in their entirety here.

In the world of adoption, it’s hidden, but for the birthmothers out there…it’s real…these intense feelings and thoughts that permeate and haunt the birthmother and I believe the adoptee, too, about this whole relinquishment saga.  It’s what comes before the adoption for us birthmothers and continues to haunt us steadily and increasingly as the years tumble by.  And we find ourselves just trying to make sense of what has happened and how we feel about it…how we feel about our relationship with our child…how we feel about our relationship with our child’s parents (a-parents), how we feel about ourselves-this woman who signed the paper to relinquish her parental rights to this one child of her genes and family line).

I have decided to cut and paste several of Barb’s recent posts, as I figured  why rewrite when Barb is so “right on” about what I am either thinking or feeling or have attempted to explain to someone (mostly in my own family) at one time or another about this thing called adoption.

Really I couldn’t say this any better…thanks Barb for speaking my heart!

A portion of Barb’s post from November 25, 2009…

“imagine everybody you know (family, friends, The Agency) telling you that it will get better, that the pain will lessen in time. that one day, when you have ‘children of you own’, it will be better. ’CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN’? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?everyone tells you these stupid f*cking platitudes and you know what? IT’S BULLSH*T” i howled, sobbing.

Samantha shifted her weight in her chair. “why do you think people told you that?”

i leaned forward, looking her dead in the eye, my elbows on my knees, “because if they told you the truth, that there are no guarantees, that you might NOT get over it, that maybe you wouldn’t have the opportunity to parent again, that you might regret and feel the grief of this decision every day of your life,nobody would do it. and it makes them feel better. ultimately, its a means to an end. for someone.”

Samantha folded her hands in her lap, her eyes fixed on me. “Barbara, i honestly don’t know what to say at this moment.”

well, that makes two of us.  (You can read this post Noob in its entirety here.)

Bits and pieces of Barb’s post from November 28, 2009…

i remarked to Samantha that in giving away my son and my motherhood, i felt like i somehow gave away part of my womanhood. “talk about that”, she prodded.

birth/first mothers hear so often that they’re “selfless and brave” for placing. for allowing another woman (or man) the opportunity of motherhood (or parenthood). i know i heard that repeatedly, like a mantra, from the people around me. that i had given Betty and Barney the “greatest gift”.

while i appreciated the kudos on some level – i suppose they made me feel better for a moment – i couldn’t hold those sentiments. or feed them. or hug them. or burp them. or love them. i had nowhere to go with the feelings that my previously pregnant body and mind naturally produced. i was supposed to be a mother, according to my body. and this is where i told Samantha that i felt like i gave away a part of my womanhood, by nulling and voiding my motherhood.  (You can read this post mother interrupted in its entirety here.)

Here You Come Again

Here you come again
Just when I’ve begun to get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you’ve done before
And wrap my heart ’round your little finger

This is just a bit of the song and really it’s about a woman’s relationship with a cheating man/husband/lover, but much of this song aptly describes my feelings about my daughter…and possibly even her feelings about me.

Now that Sri is 18 years old…we are attempting to navigate our relationship without Dee.  Mainly I’m relieved, but I’m also at the mercy of my daughter from here on out (and likewise).   I’m not sure either of us know how to survive in this vast expanse of “newly found freedom”.  It is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, at least for me, as I cannot speak for Sri.

I am attempting to decipher what it is that Sri wants in our relationship-the how oftens and whats-(especially now during the holidays, and yes! I do understand how difficult this time of year can be for all in the adoption triad) but I’m somewhat baffled.  She may give me the verbal answer I hope for, but when it comes down to the actual event…it is tending to be either a “no-go” or “short and sweet” or I’m receiving mixed messages with “we can get together, BUT”.  And so there it is…ambivalence (a common theme in adoption triads).  Thus I find I am more confused, sometimes irritated and/or sad,  and frustrated lately with our communication…frustrated mostly with the pain of being so close and yet so far from my “relinquished” daughter.  When I am disappointed by the realities of our relationship, I tend to take up the “relinquishment scourge” to flog my emotions into their rightful place:  submission to “you should be grateful you are even in her life” and “it’s what you deserve for what you did”.  It is just that in this place…this  constant reminder of how this pain-inducing decision (made over 18 years ago) is still tearing me up inside to this day…I find very little peace and self- acceptance.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have been in a closed adoption and to have maybe moved on with my life (if there is such a thing…probably not so much “to have moved on”, but to not have the pain of relinquishment so frequently “in my face”).  Yet I’m not sure whether I still would have chosen to go through with adoption, if closed adoption had been the only option.  I realize parenting, too, would have brought the intense emotions above and would have been much harder work.  But at least I could have laid my own foundations and our relationship wouldn’t be such a doggone mystery.  If I had parented her, my daughter could be about the challenging job of learning what it means to embark on her own independence (with values I have  instilled vs someone else’s values) without having to expend precious energy and time attempting to figure out how to live in two+ worlds (the everyday real world, the “mysterious birthfamily world”,  the adoption world, in general, etc.)  Ahhh…the woulda, coulda, shouldas…they are possibly going to cost me my health, if I don’t figure out how to quit them.

As I’m attempting to understand and be prepared for what may happen during this holiday season and the years ahead of navigating our daughter-birthmom relationship with little or no guidance…i’m once again turning to adoption blogs for clarification and sanity and hopefully a reality check.  Today I found a blog-Adoption Animal House-written by a mother-daughter team (birthmother-daughter in reunion) and wanted to share their blog and a post by the daughter early on in the blog (reunion).  Check it out!

As Sri is/was the “first/oldest grandchild” in our family before I relinquished my parental rights, I found the post relevant.  Does the child placed for adoption still hold their rank in birth order in the birthfamily?  It obviously depends on one’s perspective and can get really confusing, particularly to a child “placed for adoption”.  As “Adoption Tree” points out repeatedly in her blog “sensitivity, respect, consideration and openness” are key in building relationships between birthfamily members and the “adoptees” during reunification and beyond.  (Maybe some of the questions we spend time thinking/speaking about, such as “order of grandchildren” or “which parent the baby looks most like” aren’t all that important.)  Or maybe it is it just that families touched by adoption need to be aware that certain comments can cause needless hurt.

I can only hope Sri can/will be open and honest about her own needs and wants as she eventually strikes out and explores the world of “the birthfamily-maternal or paternal”.

Thanks Adoption Tree for your openness.

I made the above statement in a previous post, and so now I want to direct you to two (of many) blogs, I recently stumbled across, that reiterate this truth.  And I also wanted to include a blog I have been following for sometime #3 A Woman’s Work…I credit Dawn’s attitude and writing from the perspective of an adoptive mom in an open adoption for bringing healing personally to my life!

Thanks to each of you for taking the time to share from your own experiences, helping us to understand and validate the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of all in the adoption triad!

1. Cheerio’s daring and opinionated blog confronting the church family’s view on adoption
2. In “What It Means To Be Adopted” Irenesqual poignantly describes the identity issues the adoptee faces in life.  It breaks my heart to read this blog, but it is better to face the truth and be educated as a birthmom to hopefully support and acknowledge the issues your child (an adoptee) will face than to remain “clueless”.
3. Dawn, a mom in an open adoption (This Woman’s Work) who is real about the joys and difficulties from the adoptive’s parent’s view with a deep compassionate desire to understand and validate her daughter and her daughter’s birthmom…a few comments from her most recent posts on adoption..”And I hurt for Pennie who’s pregnancy is fraught with the echo of her pregnancy with the child she lost. Nothing is easy after adoption. Nothing but the love and sometimes love doesn’t feel like enough.”   “It’s not the open of open adoption that causes the pain; it’s the adoption part. I watch Madison hug Pennie’s belly and pat back when Rosco kicks and I feel so grateful that she can process her own gestation by visiting her brother’s. Even though the next step to thinking about being Pennie’s baby is thinking about NOT being Pennie’s baby and that is painful for her (for both of them). But it’s true. It’s true that she was Pennie’s baby and now she’s not. Certainly it’s a hard, hurtful thing to grasp at 5-years old and every time I hold her as she cries about it, I wish I could heal her heart just by wishing the pain away. But it’s her hurt — she has a right to it. She has a right to hurt with her birth mama and she has a right to come to me and cry and grow and heal and be her own full self, which includes the story of her adoption.”

But what Dee sees as priorities for Sri, and what I see as priorities for Sri are not the same!  Do Dee and I actually sit down and discuss Sri’s current situation and future face-to-face and how to support one another in our roles in Sri’s life?  No, not currently.  (We used to, to some extent.  But in the last couple years we rarely discuss anything about Sri and when we do, it is only briefly on the phone.)  Dee and I seem to have allowed walls of misunderstanding and judgement to separate us.  I believe this is due to my attempts to be more honest with Sri and Dee in the last couple years (which seems to have caused Dee to feel rejected by me) and due to rebukes I received from Dee for choices I’ve made, independently of Dee,  in my relationship with Sri.  Consequently we’ve grown apart.

I avoid conversations with Dee when I question her choices for Sri as I learned my lesson long ago…that my views and opinions on parenting matters are not welcome.  That is understandable because I AM NOT THE PARENT! Unfortunately Dee has welcomed my views when they support her own and has, at times, enlisted me in chastising Sri.  The issue was clothing choices-such as Sri wearing low cut blouses. Unfortunately Sri did not enjoy being confronted by the two of us and only stood her ground even more.  Go figure!!  Somehow in these situations I end up being the “bad guy” and Dee comes out “the protector”…hmmm…..  It didn’t take me long to learn my lesson.

But watching the a-parents make significantly different choices in parenting issues brings up a host of feelings-and then, as the birthparent in the open adoption, you just have to become very good at masking your feelings.  Being someone from a social work/therapeutic background myself,  I have to ask “How is that healthy?”  Where does one turn when these situations are difficult to deal with?  Well…over the years I have turned to counselors (try to talk to someone who has not been in the open adoption experience and hope to hear helpful, unbiased feedback-not!)  and to journaling, but I’m often still left feeling very alone in this open adoption experience.

Soooo what to do when Dee is making decisions with Sri’s life that I am seriously concerned about and/or with which I totally disagree?  Shockingly I have begun to consider seeking counseling with the agency through whom I placed-just to see what they would say!  Of course, it would probably not take a genius to figure out their feedback, considering Dee was once an employee of the same agency.  But then maybe I am being too judgemental!  It is hard to know whether I would get unbiased feedback from an adoption agency!!!  Yes!!  There is this crazy part of me that wants to believe they care about me and about the outcome of our open adoption experience.  But then I think well…but where have they been for the last 17 years??  I know that the a-mom has gone to them on various occasions for support of one kind or another.  At one time she even mentioned that I may be asked to come in for family counseling with her and Sri, but that never materialized.

Actually I say I want feedback or input, but I have to admit, also, that I am reluctant/scared to seek it out!  And to top it off I’m currently in a boundaries group!  Wow!  Talk about guilt and confusion!

What I want and desire really is to sit down with other birthmoms, maybe even a group of people from each area of the triad (and I mean a group!) to discuss and receive feedback.  Maybe it is time to go on a search again for just such a gem!

In the meantime these are some of the thoughts that go through my head…

1. One part of me want to rescue Sri by confronting Dee with my concerns.
2. A part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand, hoping Sri will just get through somehow on her own.
3. And another part of me wants to believe I can somehow guide Sri in working out the solution/compromise with her mother that will allow both of them to grow towards independence  and at the same time maintain a loving relationship.

My mind is drawn back in time to an adoption memoir I read a couple years ago by Patricia Dischler.  Her memoir is “Because I Loved You”.  I have struggled with the title to her book for several years now, but that is an issue for another post someday.  What I’m thinking about now is how she handled her son during his teen years…here is an excerpt from Patricia Dischler’s book “Because I Loved You”

“As Joe grew into his teenage years, not only did his body go through drastic changes, but his relationship with his parents, and with me, had growing pains…

As all teenagers do, he tested his parents, and he had fantasies about a different life with me.  When he was fourteen, he came to stay with my parents for a week.  That weekend Steve and I and Karen her husband camped in their campground and spent time with Joe.  We had brought our waverunners and had a blast all weekend out on the river.  Sunday afternoon Karen and Joe had gone up to Mom’s house to get some supplies, and Joe said to her, “I can’t believe I missed out on all this.”

Karen asked what he meant.  He said that we seemed to have such great lives and he wished he could have been a part of it.  Karen understood that he was thinking that if I had kept him, the fun he had just experienced that weekend would be his everyday life. She quickly set him straight.

Karen told Joe firmly that everything he saw around him that day would not exist if  had kept him. She explained how each member of the family was affected by that decision and how it set our lives in courses that were different from what they would have been otherwise.  She pointed out that she knew that if I had kept Joe I would have stayed in Dubusque.  This meant Karen would have never taken the chance to move to Madison.  She never would have met her husband or switched careers and been as successful as she was.  The waverunners, our cars, our lifestyles, our husbands all would have been different. She told him he was foolish to believe that this is what his life would have been. She told him to be thankful for all he did have because if I had kept him, he most likely would not have had half of the opportunities his parents had given him.  My family had too much respect for his parents to let him be disrespectful in anyway.

When she told me about the conversation, I decided to back away for awhile.  Since meeting, Joe and I had begun writing to each other.  He was visiting my parents a couple times a year, and I would always join him there.  But for the remainder of his teen years I only sent short cards, and I only stayed for a day if he was at my parents.  A few times I didn’t go at all.  It was very painful to do this, but I’m glad I did.  My family had a very difficult time understanding.  It was so easy for them to be his family-it didn’t infringe on anyone else’s feelings. But I knew that by getting close to him during these years I was risking having him fantasizing even more about having me for a mother instead of Kathy.  That was something I couldn’t tolerate. I wasn’t about to let him believe for a second that if she made him mad (which every mother of a teenager will do eventually!) that he could decide to run away from her and come to me.  Again, I knew I had to let go in order for him to grow.”   (Because I Loved You, pp. 213-214  copyright 2006)

Dealing with possible “games played by child or parents”, the times when your parenting styles, values, ideas differ significantly from the a-parents, the imploring questions and difficulties you face in relationship with the child you placed are all challenging aspects of an open adoption.  And to top it off the support you need to make the best decisions for all involved is either non-existent or minimal and usually extremely biased.

I, too, have considered backing off/walking away for a time because I find this part of the open adoption experience so hard to deal with.  But unlike Patricia I have not chosen to walk away.  Of course our situations and views of the adoption experience seem to be quite different, and I, also, have to take into consideration the recent loss Sri experienced with the death of her a-father.  Anyway I’m sticking it out…still wondering WHAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST of Sri!?  I did back off on requesting visits earlier this year…but getting together again with Sri recently…I couldn’t see a positive impact from the distance for her.  And, in fact, it seemed Sri was now facing even more issues and possibly felt like she had no where to turn for mature input.  Actually she just seemed more confused than ever about her path in life and has been making decisions in an effort to please everyone around her to her own detriment!  Arrgghh!!  What to do??!!  What to do??!!

Most of us in the adoption triad understand that adoption is not the panacea that much of society believes it to be.  There is sooo much work yet to be done to bring about a greater understanding about the impact of adoption on each member of the triad and to truly prepare those seeking ‘adoption as an option’ for their journey ahead. There are various groups that support and aid reunions between birthparents and adoptees and work for more rights for adoptees regarding open records.  And, yes, there has been a move towards more openness in adoptions over the last two decades.  But what has been the motivating factors?  Depending on who you talk to, you will get different answers.  I, for one, BEING INVOLVED IN A TRULY OPEN ADOPTION FOR THE LAST 17+ YEARS, want each and every young woman who is considering an open adoption to know that EVEN THE OPEN ADOPTION EXPERIENCE WILL BE MORE PAINFUL AND CONFUSING  THAN YOU WILL BE TOLD OR CAN IMAGINE!

MORE THAN ANYTHING WHAT EVERYONE IN THE ADOPTION TRIAD NEEDS IS MORE SUPPORT, EDUCATION, SUPPORT, GUIDANCE, SUPPORT, RESPECT, APPRECIATION, EDUCATION, SUPPORT…DID I SAY EDUCATION AND SUPPORT???? I think you get my drift…

Over the past five years, as Sri has shared her heart with me, ahhh….the exhilaration and heartbreak I have felt!  Certain experiences she has encountered, in her 17 years of life, have torn at my heart.  And now that Sri’s “in love”, watching her attempts to find her way down this rocky path, I feel so helpless and so responsible, in a variety of ways, for the identity issues she is and will be facing in the upcoming months and years.  I want so badly to see her soar in life!

In the midst of the unexpected with all that she is facing and has been through, Sri finds a way/reason to smile…AND goes out of her way to look on the bright side.  I am amazed by her spirit.

Tonight I took the time to seek out youtube video from Michael Jackson’s funeral and chose to listen to what Brooke Shields shared about her memories of Michael-the person and her friend.  I was moved and then went on to search out the song by Charlie Chaplin that Brooke stated was Michael’s favorite ‘Smile”.  I can’t say I’m a big Michael Jackson fan, but listening to him sing this song, I was reminded of how much I do enjoy his voice and moved by the emotion he expresses in his music.  And, of course, reflecting on the words got me thinking about Sri and her perseverance and optimism.

An excerpt from “Smile” written by Charlie Chaplin (who knew?)

“Smile tho’ your heart is aching,
Smile even though it’s breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You’ll get by,
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile…and maybe tomorrow you’ll see the sun come shining through…”

These words are an excellent reminder…to NOT LET THE HEARTACHE AND TEARS over the relinquishment and the “physical distance” (basically feeling/thinking that I’m unable to contact Sri whenever I want to or feel I need to for fear that I’ll overstep the boundaries of being a “birthmom”) OVERWHELM ME, BUT INSTEAD to find as many reasons, as possible, TO SMILE each and every day.

Sri…you give me reason to smile! =D