Man! This holiday season I was a mess! From Thanksgiving to Christmas I just could not get my head on straight. My emotions were all over the map… After the planned and much anticipated Thanksgiving get-together with Sri never materialized, and then with Sri cancelling our recent plan to get-together the Wednesday before Christmas, I found myself disoriented, unable to focus, and totally overwhelmed. I just could not get my head or heart wrapped around Christmas, and, needless to say, any preparations for Christmas were just not coming together. It seemed I was in numb mode (possibly immobilized by depression)…just hanging on ’til the end of the “stupid holiday season”. =(
After Sri cancelled our Wednesday holiday get-together, I had mentioned repeatedly through a chat and email and fb messages that I would like to see her, even if just briefly, before Christmas…to no avail. Sri did not return my messages and suddenly went “off-line” while chatting about this very subject. I had concluded that any holiday contact with her birthmom must be a “no go” and I had given up hoping for a Christmas related get-together.
Then on Christmas eve I got a text from Sri asking “whether I still planned to come by or whether we could meet halfway”. Huh??!???!!
I had made plans with my mother to be with her on Christmas eve (as I had to work on Christmas day) and still had quite a bit to do before heading to my mother’s place for the evening. Hearing from Sri so unexpectedly and last minute, I experienced a jumble of feelings from shock to annoyance to happiness! Needless to say I was relieved and annoyed at the same time! Do these two emotions (relief and annoyance) even belong in the same sentence?
I attempted to take a step back from the situation to determine what I wanted to do and what would be the best way to handle this sudden invitation. I began to ask myself…”Why was this contact so last minute??” ”Was this just Sri’s attempt (now as a young adult) to navigate the “two world syndrome of adoptees” during the holidays or had she just procrastinated (one of my more annoying traits) on getting back to me??” Hmmm…what to do?? Finally I decided the “whys?” were not nearly as important, at the moment, as the “hows?”.
So I waited and thought (considering that I had much to do and little time to do it in, and that meeting Sri as she suggested and where she suggested, I would end up, most likely, spending hours in traffic and would have to rearrange plans with my mother at the last minute), and came to the decision that this was as good a time as any to work on asserting healthy boundaries in our relationship.
So I called Sri, and when we spoke on the phone, I didn’t communicate my disappointment and annoyance, but just chatted and laughed about what she was up to. I suggested she come to my mom’s house since that was where I was planning to go that afternoon and be that evening. Sri, not only, agreed to do so, but actually arrived at my mom’s (without directions) with perfect timing. Sri’s infectious smile and gracious attitude, along with her beau’s good-natured humor, made the visit memorable and a joy!
The visit was brief, and because I was ridiculously tired (from not sleeping the night before due to my churning, out-of-control emotions), I wasn’t a very lively participant. My mother carried the conversation and kept suggesting Sri stay and spend the evening, but I knew she had plans to go to a movie with her friend (who had come along and was a good sport about it). So I intervened and thanked them for coming, allowing them to exit gracefully and get on with their plans for the evening without guilt detaining them further. All the while I was wishing I weren’t so tired and that Sri could stay. Regardless, just seeing her, even for this brief visit, restored my sanity and chased away the crazies.
It happens with such regularity, yet I still find myself amazed. It’s like a drug to the druggie! This moment of high/exhilaration/calm/feeling centered that can’t be matched by anything else…no matter what we try! How this relationship between a birthmother and her child (particularly in an open adoption, and very possibly in reunions) can be so jarring when the connection is disrupted, and then so centering, when the connection is restored, is a constant conundrum and, at the same time, a testament to the lifelong bond from birth that exists between a mother and child, despite all arguments to the contrary.
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Here are some bits and pieces from two recent posts by Barb (one of my favorite bloggers on open adoption) on December 9th and 10th that reiterate much of what I shared in this post about my recent contact with Sri.
“…and then she put the Kiddo on the phone.
i turned into a ball of mush. internally, anyway. he told me about his passion-of-the-moment in detail, his favorite subjects in school, life in middle school. i just listened and grinned while looking out the bedroom window. it was as if we talked frequently.
i heard him laugh. i recognized the extraordinarily grown up cadence of his speech. how many almost twelve year olds express how they’re “much more well adjusted to middle school this year”? i bit the insides of my cheeks, fighting the urge to giggle.
i spent the remaining few hours of my day yesterday in a half-daze.
“did i really just talk to The Kiddo?
Best F*cking Christmas Present Ever.
i tried to explain to Chris how freeing it was. how just having the information, and out in the open no less, released some deep seated fears. i don’t believe i could articulate it clearly.
this has been a most interesting turn of events, and perhaps a new chapter in this story. if nothing else, it’s brought the Kiddo out of “mythical” status. and that’s invaluable.”
You can read both of Barb’s posts-afterthoughts and pants equals presents-in their entirety here.