you and me = sanity

Man! This holiday season I was a mess!  From Thanksgiving to Christmas I just could not get my head on straight.  My emotions were all over the map… After the planned and much anticipated Thanksgiving get-together with Sri never materialized, and then with Sri cancelling our recent plan to get-together the Wednesday before Christmas, I found myself disoriented, unable to focus, and totally overwhelmed.  I just could not get my head or heart wrapped around Christmas, and, needless to say, any preparations for Christmas were just not coming together.  It seemed I was in numb mode (possibly immobilized by depression)…just hanging on ’til the end of the “stupid holiday season”.  =(

After Sri cancelled our Wednesday holiday get-together, I had mentioned repeatedly through a chat and email and fb messages that I would like to see her, even if just briefly, before Christmas…to no avail.   Sri did not return my messages and suddenly went “off-line” while chatting about this very subject.  I had concluded that any holiday contact with her birthmom must be a “no go” and I had given up hoping for a Christmas related get-together.

Then on Christmas eve I got a text from Sri asking “whether I still planned to come by or whether we could meet halfway”.  Huh??!???!!

I had made plans with my mother to be with her on Christmas eve  (as I had to work on Christmas day) and still had quite a bit to do before heading to my mother’s place for the evening.  Hearing from Sri so unexpectedly and last minute, I experienced a jumble of feelings from shock to annoyance to happiness!  Needless to say I was relieved and annoyed at the same time!  Do these two emotions (relief and annoyance) even belong in the same sentence?

I attempted to take a step back from the situation to determine what I wanted to do and what would be the best way to handle this sudden invitation.  I began to ask myself…”Why was this contact so last minute??”  ”Was this just Sri’s attempt (now as a young adult) to navigate the “two world syndrome of adoptees” during the holidays or had she just procrastinated (one of my more annoying traits) on getting back to me??”  Hmmm…what to do??   Finally I decided the “whys?” were not nearly as important, at the moment, as the “hows?”.

So I waited and thought (considering that I had much to do and little time to do it in, and that meeting Sri as she suggested and where she suggested,  I would end up, most likely, spending hours in traffic and would have to rearrange plans with my mother at the last minute), and came to the decision that this was as good a time as any to work on asserting healthy boundaries in our relationship.

So I called Sri, and when we spoke on the phone, I didn’t communicate my disappointment and annoyance, but just chatted and laughed about what she was up to.  I suggested she come to my mom’s house since that was where I was planning to go that afternoon and be that evening.  Sri, not only, agreed to do so, but actually arrived at my mom’s (without directions) with perfect timing.  Sri’s infectious smile and gracious attitude, along with her beau’s good-natured humor, made the visit memorable and a joy!

The visit was brief, and because I was ridiculously tired (from not sleeping the night before due to my churning, out-of-control emotions), I wasn’t a very lively participant.  My mother carried the conversation and kept suggesting Sri stay and spend the evening, but I knew she had plans to go to a movie with her friend (who had come along and was a good sport about it).  So I intervened and thanked them for coming, allowing them to exit gracefully and get on with their plans for the evening without guilt detaining them further.   All the while I was wishing I weren’t so tired and that Sri could stay.  Regardless, just seeing her, even for this brief visit, restored my sanity and chased away the crazies.

It happens with such regularity, yet I still find myself amazed.  It’s like a drug to the druggie!  This moment of high/exhilaration/calm/feeling centered that can’t be matched by anything else…no matter what we try!  How this relationship between a birthmother and her child (particularly in an open adoption, and very possibly in reunions) can be so jarring when the connection is disrupted, and then so centering, when the connection is restored, is a constant conundrum and, at the same time, a testament to the lifelong bond from birth that exists between a mother and child, despite all arguments to the contrary.

**************************

Here are some bits and pieces from two recent posts by Barb (one of my favorite bloggers on open adoption) on December 9th and 10th that reiterate much of what I shared in this post about my recent contact with Sri.

“…and then she put the Kiddo on the phone.

i turned into a ball of mush. internally, anyway. he told me about his passion-of-the-moment in detail, his favorite subjects in school, life in middle school. i just listened and grinned while looking out the bedroom window. it was as if we talked frequently.

i heard him laugh. i recognized the extraordinarily grown up cadence of his speech. how many almost twelve year olds express how they’re “much more well adjusted to middle school this year”? i bit the insides of my cheeks, fighting the urge to giggle.

i spent the remaining few hours of my day yesterday in a half-daze.

“did i really just talk to The Kiddo?

Best F*cking Christmas Present Ever.

i tried to explain to Chris how freeing it was. how just having the information, and out in the open no less, released some deep seated fears. i don’t believe i could articulate it clearly.

this has been a most interesting turn of events, and perhaps a new chapter in this story. if nothing else, it’s brought the Kiddo out of “mythical” status. and that’s invaluable.”

You can read both of Barb’s posts-afterthoughts and pants equals presents-in their entirety here.

From one birthmother to another…”your reality is so much like mine”

Just when I think I’ve got a few screws loose or question my feelings/thoughts about this whole “adoption” thing…thinking I’m being a drama queen and chastising myself with “isn’t it just time to let go of the emotional crap?”, Barb reminds me I’m not totally alone (as I often feel) on this crazy journey.

In the world of adoption, it’s hidden, but for the birthmothers out there…it’s real…these intense feelings and thoughts that permeate and haunt the birthmother and I believe the adoptee, too, about this whole relinquishment saga.  It’s what comes before the adoption for us birthmothers and continues to haunt us steadily and increasingly as the years tumble by.  And we find ourselves just trying to make sense of what has happened and how we feel about it…how we feel about our relationship with our child…how we feel about our relationship with our child’s parents (a-parents), how we feel about ourselves-this woman who signed the paper to relinquish her parental rights to this one child of her genes and family line).

I have decided to cut and paste several of Barb’s recent posts, as I figured  why rewrite when Barb is so “right on” about what I am either thinking or feeling or have attempted to explain to someone (mostly in my own family) at one time or another about this thing called adoption.

Really I couldn’t say this any better…thanks Barb for speaking my heart!

A portion of Barb’s post from November 25, 2009…

“imagine everybody you know (family, friends, The Agency) telling you that it will get better, that the pain will lessen in time. that one day, when you have ‘children of you own’, it will be better. ’CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN’? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?everyone tells you these stupid f*cking platitudes and you know what? IT’S BULLSH*T” i howled, sobbing.

Samantha shifted her weight in her chair. “why do you think people told you that?”

i leaned forward, looking her dead in the eye, my elbows on my knees, “because if they told you the truth, that there are no guarantees, that you might NOT get over it, that maybe you wouldn’t have the opportunity to parent again, that you might regret and feel the grief of this decision every day of your life,nobody would do it. and it makes them feel better. ultimately, its a means to an end. for someone.”

Samantha folded her hands in her lap, her eyes fixed on me. “Barbara, i honestly don’t know what to say at this moment.”

well, that makes two of us.  (You can read this post Noob in its entirety here.)

Bits and pieces of Barb’s post from November 28, 2009…

i remarked to Samantha that in giving away my son and my motherhood, i felt like i somehow gave away part of my womanhood. “talk about that”, she prodded.

birth/first mothers hear so often that they’re “selfless and brave” for placing. for allowing another woman (or man) the opportunity of motherhood (or parenthood). i know i heard that repeatedly, like a mantra, from the people around me. that i had given Betty and Barney the “greatest gift”.

while i appreciated the kudos on some level – i suppose they made me feel better for a moment – i couldn’t hold those sentiments. or feed them. or hug them. or burp them. or love them. i had nowhere to go with the feelings that my previously pregnant body and mind naturally produced. i was supposed to be a mother, according to my body. and this is where i told Samantha that i felt like i gave away a part of my womanhood, by nulling and voiding my motherhood.  (You can read this post mother interrupted in its entirety here.)

Here you come again and again…

As I make my way to this therapeutic spot…I hear this song in my head and so I go searching for the lyrics…these types of coincidences are so weird.  This is a song from 1980 (over a decade before I became pregnant with Sri) sung by Dolly Parton…

Here You Come Again

Here you come again
Just when I’ve begun to get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you’ve done before
And wrap my heart ’round your little finger

This is just a bit of the song and really it’s about a woman’s relationship with a cheating man/husband/lover, but much of this song aptly describes my feelings about my daughter…and possibly even her feelings about me.

Now that Sri is 18 years old…we are attempting to navigate our relationship without Dee.  Mainly I’m relieved, but I’m also at the mercy of my daughter from here on out (and likewise).   I’m not sure either of us know how to survive in this vast expanse of “newly found freedom”.  It is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, at least for me, as I cannot speak for Sri.

I am attempting to decipher what it is that Sri wants in our relationship-the how oftens and whats-(especially now during the holidays, and yes! I do understand how difficult this time of year can be for all in the adoption triad) but I’m somewhat baffled.  She may give me the verbal answer I hope for, but when it comes down to the actual event…it is tending to be either a “no-go” or “short and sweet” or I’m receiving mixed messages with “we can get together, BUT”.  And so there it is…ambivalence (a common theme in adoption triads).  Thus I find I am more confused, sometimes irritated and/or sad,  and frustrated lately with our communication…frustrated mostly with the pain of being so close and yet so far from my “relinquished” daughter.  When I am disappointed by the realities of our relationship, I tend to take up the “relinquishment scourge” to flog my emotions into their rightful place:  submission to “you should be grateful you are even in her life” and “it’s what you deserve for what you did”.  It is just that in this place…this  constant reminder of how this pain-inducing decision (made over 18 years ago) is still tearing me up inside to this day…I find very little peace and self- acceptance.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have been in a closed adoption and to have maybe moved on with my life (if there is such a thing…probably not so much “to have moved on”, but to not have the pain of relinquishment so frequently “in my face”).  Yet I’m not sure whether I still would have chosen to go through with adoption, if closed adoption had been the only option.  I realize parenting, too, would have brought the intense emotions above and would have been much harder work.  But at least I could have laid my own foundations and our relationship wouldn’t be such a doggone mystery.  If I had parented her, my daughter could be about the challenging job of learning what it means to embark on her own independence (with values I have  instilled vs someone else’s values) without having to expend precious energy and time attempting to figure out how to live in two+ worlds (the everyday real world, the “mysterious birthfamily world”,  the adoption world, in general, etc.)  Ahhh…the woulda, coulda, shouldas…they are possibly going to cost me my health, if I don’t figure out how to quit them.

As I’m attempting to understand and be prepared for what may happen during this holiday season and the years ahead of navigating our daughter-birthmom relationship with little or no guidance…i’m once again turning to adoption blogs for clarification and sanity and hopefully a reality check.  Today I found a blog-Adoption Animal House-written by a mother-daughter team (birthmother-daughter in reunion) and wanted to share their blog and a post by the daughter early on in the blog (reunion).  Check it out!

Dealing with birthfamilies

I have been taking time to read blogs by those from all sides of the adoption triad.  I want to direct you to posts that are informative, eye opening, and may expand your understanding and awareness of the adoption experience.  Here is one such post about one experience with birthfamily written by blogger “Adoption Tree”.

As Sri is/was the “first/oldest grandchild” in our family before I relinquished my parental rights, I found the post relevant.  Does the child placed for adoption still hold their rank in birth order in the birthfamily?  It obviously depends on one’s perspective and can get really confusing, particularly to a child “placed for adoption”.  As “Adoption Tree” points out repeatedly in her blog “sensitivity, respect, consideration and openness” are key in building relationships between birthfamily members and the “adoptees” during reunification and beyond.  (Maybe some of the questions we spend time thinking/speaking about, such as “order of grandchildren” or “which parent the baby looks most like” aren’t all that important.)  Or maybe it is it just that families touched by adoption need to be aware that certain comments can cause needless hurt.

I can only hope Sri can/will be open and honest about her own needs and wants as she eventually strikes out and explores the world of “the birthfamily-maternal or paternal”.

Thanks Adoption Tree for your openness.

Seek understanding

“Most of us in the adoption triad understand that adoption is not the panacea that much of society believes it to be.”

I made the above statement in a previous post, and so now I want to direct you to two (of many) blogs, I recently stumbled across, that reiterate this truth.  And I also wanted to include a blog I have been following for sometime #3 A Woman’s Work…I credit Dawn’s attitude and writing from the perspective of an adoptive mom in an open adoption for bringing healing personally to my life!

Thanks to each of you for taking the time to share from your own experiences, helping us to understand and validate the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of all in the adoption triad!

1. Cheerio’s daring and opinionated blog confronting the church family’s view on adoption
2. In “What It Means To Be Adopted” Irenesqual poignantly describes the identity issues the adoptee faces in life.  It breaks my heart to read this blog, but it is better to face the truth and be educated as a birthmom to hopefully support and acknowledge the issues your child (an adoptee) will face than to remain “clueless”.
3. Dawn, a mom in an open adoption (This Woman’s Work) who is real about the joys and difficulties from the adoptive’s parent’s view with a deep compassionate desire to understand and validate her daughter and her daughter’s birthmom…a few comments from her most recent posts on adoption..”And I hurt for Pennie who’s pregnancy is fraught with the echo of her pregnancy with the child she lost. Nothing is easy after adoption. Nothing but the love and sometimes love doesn’t feel like enough.”   “It’s not the open of open adoption that causes the pain; it’s the adoption part. I watch Madison hug Pennie’s belly and pat back when Rosco kicks and I feel so grateful that she can process her own gestation by visiting her brother’s. Even though the next step to thinking about being Pennie’s baby is thinking about NOT being Pennie’s baby and that is painful for her (for both of them). But it’s true. It’s true that she was Pennie’s baby and now she’s not. Certainly it’s a hard, hurtful thing to grasp at 5-years old and every time I hold her as she cries about it, I wish I could heal her heart just by wishing the pain away. But it’s her hurt — she has a right to it. She has a right to hurt with her birth mama and she has a right to come to me and cry and grow and heal and be her own full self, which includes the story of her adoption.”

Unbiased education and support needed…

I’m struggling again with the lack of support I desire/maybe need related to my open adoption situation.  As a result I am motivated to write about my struggles.  My daughter, Sri, is a teenager and about to turn 18 years old in a couple months.  Lately she has again shared personal dilemmas she is facing at home and is unsure what to do about them.  I have so many differing emotions regarding her home life, and I feel torn between supporting Sri (what I see as the best for her) and supporting her relationship with her mother.  For some reason I can’t seem to reconcile the two.  Believe me I want to!!  I wish it were that easy.

But what Dee sees as priorities for Sri, and what I see as priorities for Sri are not the same!  Do Dee and I actually sit down and discuss Sri’s current situation and future face-to-face and how to support one another in our roles in Sri’s life?  No, not currently.  (We used to, to some extent.  But in the last couple years we rarely discuss anything about Sri and when we do, it is only briefly on the phone.)  Dee and I seem to have allowed walls of misunderstanding and judgement to separate us.  I believe this is due to my attempts to be more honest with Sri and Dee in the last couple years (which seems to have caused Dee to feel rejected by me) and due to rebukes I received from Dee for choices I’ve made, independently of Dee,  in my relationship with Sri.  Consequently we’ve grown apart.

I avoid conversations with Dee when I question her choices for Sri as I learned my lesson long ago…that my views and opinions on parenting matters are not welcome.  That is understandable because I AM NOT THE PARENT! Unfortunately Dee has welcomed my views when they support her own and has, at times, enlisted me in chastising Sri.  The issue was clothing choices-such as Sri wearing low cut blouses. Unfortunately Sri did not enjoy being confronted by the two of us and only stood her ground even more.  Go figure!!  Somehow in these situations I end up being the “bad guy” and Dee comes out “the protector”…hmmm…..  It didn’t take me long to learn my lesson.

But watching the a-parents make significantly different choices in parenting issues brings up a host of feelings-and then, as the birthparent in the open adoption, you just have to become very good at masking your feelings.  Being someone from a social work/therapeutic background myself,  I have to ask “How is that healthy?”  Where does one turn when these situations are difficult to deal with?  Well…over the years I have turned to counselors (try to talk to someone who has not been in the open adoption experience and hope to hear helpful, unbiased feedback-not!)  and to journaling, but I’m often still left feeling very alone in this open adoption experience.

Soooo what to do when Dee is making decisions with Sri’s life that I am seriously concerned about and/or with which I totally disagree?  Shockingly I have begun to consider seeking counseling with the agency through whom I placed-just to see what they would say!  Of course, it would probably not take a genius to figure out their feedback, considering Dee was once an employee of the same agency.  But then maybe I am being too judgemental!  It is hard to know whether I would get unbiased feedback from an adoption agency!!!  Yes!!  There is this crazy part of me that wants to believe they care about me and about the outcome of our open adoption experience.  But then I think well…but where have they been for the last 17 years??  I know that the a-mom has gone to them on various occasions for support of one kind or another.  At one time she even mentioned that I may be asked to come in for family counseling with her and Sri, but that never materialized.

Actually I say I want feedback or input, but I have to admit, also, that I am reluctant/scared to seek it out!  And to top it off I’m currently in a boundaries group!  Wow!  Talk about guilt and confusion!

What I want and desire really is to sit down with other birthmoms, maybe even a group of people from each area of the triad (and I mean a group!) to discuss and receive feedback.  Maybe it is time to go on a search again for just such a gem!

In the meantime these are some of the thoughts that go through my head…

1. One part of me want to rescue Sri by confronting Dee with my concerns.
2. A part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand, hoping Sri will just get through somehow on her own.
3. And another part of me wants to believe I can somehow guide Sri in working out the solution/compromise with her mother that will allow both of them to grow towards independence  and at the same time maintain a loving relationship.

My mind is drawn back in time to an adoption memoir I read a couple years ago by Patricia Dischler.  Her memoir is “Because I Loved You”.  I have struggled with the title to her book for several years now, but that is an issue for another post someday.  What I’m thinking about now is how she handled her son during his teen years…here is an excerpt from Patricia Dischler’s book “Because I Loved You”

“As Joe grew into his teenage years, not only did his body go through drastic changes, but his relationship with his parents, and with me, had growing pains…

As all teenagers do, he tested his parents, and he had fantasies about a different life with me.  When he was fourteen, he came to stay with my parents for a week.  That weekend Steve and I and Karen her husband camped in their campground and spent time with Joe.  We had brought our waverunners and had a blast all weekend out on the river.  Sunday afternoon Karen and Joe had gone up to Mom’s house to get some supplies, and Joe said to her, “I can’t believe I missed out on all this.”

Karen asked what he meant.  He said that we seemed to have such great lives and he wished he could have been a part of it.  Karen understood that he was thinking that if I had kept him, the fun he had just experienced that weekend would be his everyday life. She quickly set him straight.

Karen told Joe firmly that everything he saw around him that day would not exist if  had kept him. She explained how each member of the family was affected by that decision and how it set our lives in courses that were different from what they would have been otherwise.  She pointed out that she knew that if I had kept Joe I would have stayed in Dubusque.  This meant Karen would have never taken the chance to move to Madison.  She never would have met her husband or switched careers and been as successful as she was.  The waverunners, our cars, our lifestyles, our husbands all would have been different. She told him he was foolish to believe that this is what his life would have been. She told him to be thankful for all he did have because if I had kept him, he most likely would not have had half of the opportunities his parents had given him.  My family had too much respect for his parents to let him be disrespectful in anyway.

When she told me about the conversation, I decided to back away for awhile.  Since meeting, Joe and I had begun writing to each other.  He was visiting my parents a couple times a year, and I would always join him there.  But for the remainder of his teen years I only sent short cards, and I only stayed for a day if he was at my parents.  A few times I didn’t go at all.  It was very painful to do this, but I’m glad I did.  My family had a very difficult time understanding.  It was so easy for them to be his family-it didn’t infringe on anyone else’s feelings. But I knew that by getting close to him during these years I was risking having him fantasizing even more about having me for a mother instead of Kathy.  That was something I couldn’t tolerate. I wasn’t about to let him believe for a second that if she made him mad (which every mother of a teenager will do eventually!) that he could decide to run away from her and come to me.  Again, I knew I had to let go in order for him to grow.”   (Because I Loved You, pp. 213-214  copyright 2006)

Dealing with possible “games played by child or parents”, the times when your parenting styles, values, ideas differ significantly from the a-parents, the imploring questions and difficulties you face in relationship with the child you placed are all challenging aspects of an open adoption.  And to top it off the support you need to make the best decisions for all involved is either non-existent or minimal and usually extremely biased.

I, too, have considered backing off/walking away for a time because I find this part of the open adoption experience so hard to deal with.  But unlike Patricia I have not chosen to walk away.  Of course our situations and views of the adoption experience seem to be quite different, and I, also, have to take into consideration the recent loss Sri experienced with the death of her a-father.  Anyway I’m sticking it out…still wondering WHAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST of Sri!?  I did back off on requesting visits earlier this year…but getting together again with Sri recently…I couldn’t see a positive impact from the distance for her.  And, in fact, it seemed Sri was now facing even more issues and possibly felt like she had no where to turn for mature input.  Actually she just seemed more confused than ever about her path in life and has been making decisions in an effort to please everyone around her to her own detriment!  Arrgghh!!  What to do??!!  What to do??!!

Most of us in the adoption triad understand that adoption is not the panacea that much of society believes it to be.  There is sooo much work yet to be done to bring about a greater understanding about the impact of adoption on each member of the triad and to truly prepare those seeking ‘adoption as an option’ for their journey ahead. There are various groups that support and aid reunions between birthparents and adoptees and work for more rights for adoptees regarding open records.  And, yes, there has been a move towards more openness in adoptions over the last two decades.  But what has been the motivating factors?  Depending on who you talk to, you will get different answers.  I, for one, BEING INVOLVED IN A TRULY OPEN ADOPTION FOR THE LAST 17+ YEARS, want each and every young woman who is considering an open adoption to know that EVEN THE OPEN ADOPTION EXPERIENCE WILL BE MORE PAINFUL AND CONFUSING  THAN YOU WILL BE TOLD OR CAN IMAGINE!

MORE THAN ANYTHING WHAT EVERYONE IN THE ADOPTION TRIAD NEEDS IS MORE SUPPORT, EDUCATION, SUPPORT, GUIDANCE, SUPPORT, RESPECT, APPRECIATION, EDUCATION, SUPPORT…DID I SAY EDUCATION AND SUPPORT???? I think you get my drift…

Smile tho’ your heart is aching…

Just want to say how much I adore and cherish my relationship with Sri. I have not visited with her much this year for a variety of reasons, but I never cease to be amazed at the connection we share.

Over the past five years, as Sri has shared her heart with me, ahhh….the exhilaration and heartbreak I have felt!  Certain experiences she has encountered, in her 17 years of life, have torn at my heart.  And now that Sri’s “in love”, watching her attempts to find her way down this rocky path, I feel so helpless and so responsible, in a variety of ways, for the identity issues she is and will be facing in the upcoming months and years.  I want so badly to see her soar in life!

In the midst of the unexpected with all that she is facing and has been through, Sri finds a way/reason to smile…AND goes out of her way to look on the bright side.  I am amazed by her spirit.

Tonight I took the time to seek out youtube video from Michael Jackson’s funeral and chose to listen to what Brooke Shields shared about her memories of Michael-the person and her friend.  I was moved and then went on to search out the song by Charlie Chaplin that Brooke stated was Michael’s favorite ‘Smile”.  I can’t say I’m a big Michael Jackson fan, but listening to him sing this song, I was reminded of how much I do enjoy his voice and moved by the emotion he expresses in his music.  And, of course, reflecting on the words got me thinking about Sri and her perseverance and optimism.

An excerpt from “Smile” written by Charlie Chaplin (who knew?)

“Smile tho’ your heart is aching,
Smile even though it’s breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You’ll get by,
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile…and maybe tomorrow you’ll see the sun come shining through…”

These words are an excellent reminder…to NOT LET THE HEARTACHE AND TEARS over the relinquishment and the “physical distance” (basically feeling/thinking that I’m unable to contact Sri whenever I want to or feel I need to for fear that I’ll overstep the boundaries of being a “birthmom”) OVERWHELM ME, BUT INSTEAD to find as many reasons, as possible, TO SMILE each and every day.

Sri…you give me reason to smile! =D

Battling the fire-breathing dragons within…

I’m gonna try to make this quick as it’s late and the night is creeping into those hours where…if I stay up much later, it will be impossible to be as responsible as I need to be tomorrow.

Under “Crazy Dichotomy” (below) I have posted a piece I wrote in 2006 during a particularly stormy season in adoption for me personally.  I entitled that post ”Crazy Dichotomy” because the piece itself is such a strong contrast to my last several posts.   My open adoption experience continues to be a wild rollercoaster ride of emotions, and thus I’m taking you from the highs of fall/winter 2008 to the lows of past and present.

Reading birthmom blogs of late, I’m reminded of all I’ve been given in the last 17+ years.  So many open adoptions seem to “dry up into brittle leaves that crack and crumble”.  This phenomenon in “open adoption” seems to occur, at some point about when the child, in the adoption triad, reaches the ages between five and eight.  What is it exactly that brings about these changes in the levels of “openness” in an adoption?  There seems to be no clear answers.   I have read much speculation by all members of the adoption triad, and there seems to be quite a bit of blaming and little understanding from all sides.  How about it?!  Are there any adoptive parents who chose to cut off contact with the birthmom/birthfather, and who are now willing to explain their actions?  I have yet to stumble across such a blog. 

My speculation is that they (the adoptive parents and the birthparent) are not adequately prepared for the totality of the open adoption experience.  Adoptive parents and birthparents alike often do not have a support system that encourages “openness” beyond the initial “honeymoon” season.  How many of us had our “adoption coordinator” (be it agency, lawyer, counselor, etc) walk with us beyond the finalization of the adoption into the various stages of our child’s growth on into adulthood?   How many times have our friends, family members, and co-workers encouraged us to walk away from the difficulties that arise in our “open adoption”?  “Move on with your life” they seem to imply.  If only they knew.

How long will “adoption coordinators” play dumb about the intense, ongoing pain, confusion, and difficulties that will confront triad members long after the legal process is completed, in contrast to the joy and fulfillment adoption professionals speak of so freely when describing “open adoption?  Why all the ignorance about what adoption-whether open or closed-will entail for triad members at each stage of the child’s development?  Does this mean that “openness” in adoption is built on illusions/smokescreens?  Is “open adoption” promoting dishonesty and unhealthy alliances?  Is it because “open adoption” is only a couple decades old?  

Anyway what I’m getting at is most of us were (and possibly still are) ill equipped to travel this ”adoption” road we are already on. 

Sometimes I feel like there are two of me in this adoption and I can’t figure out which is the “real me”.  When I’m being real about my emotions (the not-so-happy ones), I feel guilty.   When I always do and say the “right things” I feel accepted, but fake.  It is nearly impossible to be real or open about the not-so-happy feelings in my adoption triad, and so for years I have journaled privately.  Last year I began this blog, hoping for feedback that could stretch my own perspective and challenge me to heal and grow beyond my present state:  stuck in anger and unforgiveness, mostly directed at myself.

Three weeks ago I began an emotional healing group to address my anger because I know if I allow anger to continue unabated it will possibly destroy my health and seriously injure my relationships with everyone around me.  Plus what kind of example do I want to be for my daughter, anyway, regarding expressing one’s emotions, handling losses, and pursuing forgiveness and healing?   

Anyway the piece below ”How Crazy! How Sad!” expresses my anger at its zenith.  The anger/pain ebbs and flows through the days, months, years.  I hope to embrace the loss and all the emotions it ignites and find a way to release the pain…to heal, to grow, to avoid self-destruction.  The fire-breathing dragons are at my door step.  I’m engaged in battle with myself, of course,  but I’ve got to start somewhere.

Crazy Dichotomy of open adoption

How Crazy! How Sad!

Unforgiving…that’s where I’m at

can’t… won’t…

don’t know how…

i mean how could I let you go?

…even think of doing such a thing as to have given away

my flesh and blood??

seems I will never be able to forgive myself for what i’ve done

i can’t understand the why…the how!

..and believe you me i have tried!

It’s all so crazy!

So damn sad!

~

Every year that passes

the magnitude of what i’ve done and how robbed i feel

Grows bigger

 and the pain seeps deeper

The realization of what has happened

 as a result of the many decisions i made

while you were on your way to me

is staggering and extremely sobering.

The losses seem to grow as we age

The disgust i feel towards myself for what i’ve done

is rotting inside me…

Subconsciously i live out that inner pain

through one loss after another…

Yet i don’t seem to care, since i’ve lost you

~

And so now

What do i do

With these swirling questions in my mind?

 i can’t seem to get at the answers!!!

I can’t bring “us” back

And so i’m caught in never ending anguish that won’t go away

What i would give to travel back in time

to you

And face myself with the truth of how i feel now,

Of what i really wanted!

And what i needed to do for myself

Instead of what i did!!!

Instead of doing what seemed “right” to everyone else

How crazy!

How sad!

~

All the what ifs

The unknowns paralyzed me

I must have numbed out

What i thought i could control

Was so unrealistic

Your arrival, out of an unexpected, unplanned moment of passion,

should have told me i was meant to walk a path of faith

trusting God to work things out for you and I

despite all the possibilities of future pain

But instead i caved in to my many fears…

And they drove me over the edge of sanity

to an incomprehensible act

Not a act of unselfish love,

but of paralyzing fear and unfounded imaginations

What if i had accepted the road i was given,

instead of giving up what i chose

 And had instead faced the outcome of my irresponsible actions…

my life as a single parent, parenting solo?

All my own feelings and thoughts of my inadequacies overwhelmed me

And i talked myself out of what i wanted

I was so frightened by what “could happen”

~

Instead of accepting this life long connection

The gift of life

“The Smooth Operator” and I, blinded by our ignorance

 (subconsciously) rejected

the precious life altering substance inside of me.

Ultimately what  “the smooth operator” and i rejected

was “we”, our flesh and bone joined together.

For whatever reason we weren’t willing

to live out a life of contrasting and conflicting desires,

the differing ideals and quality of life we imagined we held.

We might have caused each other and you pain,

being together, “the smooth operator” and i, faced with each other in the midst of our own personal demons

Who knows what kind of life we would have given you?

What’s so crazy though…

What’s so sad…

 is that we would most likely have been better people

with you in our lives.

When we finally came to our senses

 and realized that all along we hadn’t wanted to let go of you,

we just couldn’t seem to agree on what “we” would look like…

it was too late

and once we realized what had happened,

 i don’t think either of us wanted to attempt to

understand and forgive the other.

The realization of what we had assumed about each other,

making an ass out of both of us,

and eventually realizing we had both desired

and had given up…our own child…

was enormously painful.

The contempt was mutual at that point.

~

Thinking back to how i wanted you

How i prayed for the swell of warmth inside of me

to become a child.

I keep asking the question over and over…

so what happened to me?!!?

Why did i even think of anything outside of parenting you??!!!

What was wrong with me

With my mind?

Where was my heart?

Where?  Why?  How?

And the answers…

Where are they?

 “How crazy! How sad!” is what i think

Hating myself for what i’ve done

to me, to you, even to “the smooth operator”

Even though he abandoned me when i needed him most

(And of course, he will accuse me

of doing the same thing to him!)

I hate him for that…

for his absence, the misunderstandings, what wasn’t said

For leaving me alone with myself

And not being honest with himself

Wanting you, this part of himself, just as much as i did.

I hate… despise

everyone who wasn’t there for me

Why didn’t they support me?

Why didn’t they shake me,

stop me from what i was about to do?!

Why?!!!  I don’t get it

It’s not like i was a monster or irresponsible or a drug addict

I was a college grad with a good job

For god sake!!!

What was going on with everybody?!!

With me?

With “the smooth operator”?

What the hell?!!!

I hate us all for what was done!

~

At this juncture in my life

All i can think about is what i don’t have with you

What i could have had

If i had been more courageous

What it would have been like

To hold you at night, as my baby girl

To pour my love and affection into your soul

To protect you and hear your laughter, wipe your tears

Hear you call me “mommy”

To think i’ve lost Sri

And will never know who she would have been

Or who i would have been as your mommy

And now look where we are…apart

Mother and daughter, but only in theory

How i wish we were close in body, soul and spirit

What’s that saying?

You don’t really appreciate what you had until it’s gone…

Damn!

If this was God’s will…being apart

Then why aren’t we at peace…you and i???

Why the anguish??  Why the deep, deep pain??

~

Here you are in anguish yourself

With innumerable losses

Wanting out of the life i placed you in

It kills me to think of what is happening to us

And so i yell to the heavens

Why??!!!

Why did this happen?

How could i have even thought of separating

myself from you

the deepening  realization of what i’ve done

to you, to me…

is shaking me to the core

my very soul is sickened

 by what i’ve done…

can’t forgive myself,

heart crushed beneath a heavy load

facing this insanity…

i know i am supposed to forgive

but how can i?

i can’t!

i don’t know how

or

even if i will.

~

And so here i am

Contemplating an end to the anguish…

But i have no right to lay another burden on you

And so i remain…

Losses seem to be what i deserve for what i’ve done

How could i have taken such a precious part of myself…

And given you to total strangers…

How crazy!

 …the questions still unanswered

Am i afraid of what i will find?

If i find the answers to why I gave you up?

~

I’m still afraid of abandoning you again…

i can’t continue to live with the outcome

Of the choices i make when driven by fear

And especially if my fear

 leaves you trapped in pain!

I’m sick of this vicious cycle

What should i do?

I don’t know who to ask

Asking crippled me before

And so now

I stay silent

Not wanting to hear what others may say

Too many voices and i couldn’t hear my own heart.

You were a gift to me

And instead of saying “thank-you” and embracing you

I felt unworthy and incapable

Of the road i was on

Fear fed the lies

That led me to believe

I had to do what i did

I thought i had to give you perfection

When what we needed was each other

How crazy!

How sad!

~

To be enamored with “the smooth operator” one moment

And blessed with his flesh the next…

Growing inside of me

How amazing!

You…an answer to prayer

But i couldn’t hear

Your reassuring voice…

the hope you carried that we could do this together

that we needed each other,

confused and full of fear

i didn’t stop and listen to you

and what you wanted

i’m sorry

and now we are so far apart

mother and daughter

longing to be on the same road

caught in parallel universes

unable to be together

 or to live our lives the way we were meant to be

~

How crazy!

How sad!

How could i???

I may ask this until i die…

But it will never change

What has happened between you and i.

Tk91

2006

 

Figuring Out What’s Most Important

My mother and I recently had our annual Christmas get-together with Dee, Sri and Max.  I have to say it was one of the most satisfying holiday get-togethers for me, personally, that we’ve had in the last several years.  We shared a meal, which my mother had prepared, and opened gifts.  It was a relatively short visit, only a couple hours, but I think we all genuinely enjoyed our time together.  I enjoyed seeing Dee and my mom interact and Sri even address my mom as “Grandma”, as she teased her lovingly.  Max joined in, too, making himself at home.  I have to say my attitude and outlook have changed over the last 5-6 months with positive consequences.  One reason for this change is insight I gleaned after reading Letters To My Birthmother, the book I have been attempting to write a blog about for the last two months and it just would not flow.  I’m now thinking-this blog was meant to be written during the holiday season. 

 

Summer 2008 I began to look for books written by adoptees hoping to gain insight into what adoptees want in their relationships with their “birthparents.”  One of the books I read was Letters To My Birthmother written by Amy Dean, an adoptee, author and lecturer.  Amy’s adoption was closed and she had no information about her birthfamily.  She decided to begin a search for her birthmother in her 30s.  This book is a result of the letters she wrote to her birthmother as she contemplated and pursued a reunion.  The titles she chooses to address her birthmother in her letters provide insight into the thoughts and feelings she was grappling with…Dear Nameless Person, Person with My Past, Woman Who Gave Me Up, Creator of Me, Source of Information, Birthmother, Person Who Started Things Off, You, Uncaring Person, Decision Maker, Woman Who Left Me, First Mother, Woman Who Gave Birth to Me, Mother Person, Mother from the Past, Unknown Woman, Woman from Long Ago, Woman Who I’m ready to find. 

 

Amy’s search to find her birthmother was motivated by her desire to find answers to her many questions about her identity and origin.  Amy is successful in locating her birthmother.  She is open to a relationship with her birthmother, but when her birthmother insists that she be a part of the extended family, Amy pulls away. Amy really just wants to focus on her relationship with her birthmother, but her birthmother wants more. Amy feels very uncomfortable with all this inclusion, as she not really looking to be a part of her birthmother’s life or family to this extent. The birthmother is hurt and does not seem to be satisfied with just sharing herself with her daughter.  Instead she wants Amy to “fit into” her family as a whole.  It seems like it is “all or nothing” really for this birthmom.  As a birthmom, I can understand her strong desire to share her daughter with her world-family and friends.  Still I find it sad that this birthmother seemed unwilling to “truly listen” to her daughter’s heart and work things out for the sake of a relationship and the opportunity  to get to know her daughter after all those years apart.  Because of the differing expectations and other tense issues that arise regarding the “birthfather” Amy and her birthmother do not develop a close relationship, and beyond cards rarely keep in touch (at least at the time of this book’s completion).

 

Reading about Amy’s experience provided me with important information.  After months of contemplation, I find that I have gradually let go of strong expectations, hopes and desires that my daughter will someday build relationships with my brothers and their families.  I have taken heed of the warning and have, in fact, adjusted my expectations regarding my daughter’s relationships to my extended family.  Someday, if/when Sri wants to meet and interact more with her extended birthfamily members (maternal and/or paternal), I will be there to provide the guidance and support she desires.

   

In the meantime I believe letting go of all those expectations has allowed me to relax and focus my energy on our relationship alone-just Sri and I, rather than thinking about how to one day, soon, include everyone else.

 

I’ve also noticed it has allowed me to relax more when Sri is around her own family.  Because of my “letting go” of those intense, sometimes almost desperate desires, I believe our relationships are changing for the better – not only my relationship with my daughter, which she may now sense as more unconditional, but also my daughter’s relationship with her mother and their extended family.  Sri seems to have “settled” into her family more recently. Maybe this has occurred simply because of her maturing into a young adult, but I can’t help but wonder if there is a connection to my “acceptance”, as well.

  

Thank-you Amy Dean for sharing your experience with others and speaking about the importance of openness in adoption regarding information.  I agree, at the very least, adoptees have a right to identifying information about their birthfamilies.  I believe when a woman becomes pregnant that it is not just the woman making decisions about her own body.  She needs to recognize that the life she has created will someday be a grown person seeking out answers to the questions we all grapple with…”Who am I?”  “Why am I here?”  “What is my purpose?” “Am I loved?”  As the “child-life of our womb” has no choice in the matter of the “when” and “to whom” of their conception and birth circumstances, at the very least really, those creating life and giving birth should be held responsible to provide every child with the information they will need to answer basic life affirming questions. 

  

Once again I want to say how thankful I am for the opportunity to read about and learn from other’s experiences.  In writing about my own experiences I can only hope that I will open eyes and hearts to the possibilities that may exist in building relationships within the adoption triad that can be extremely fulfilling.   The path may be rocky and difficult to navigate, but it can be done.  We need to keep in mind what is truly the most important outcome of an adoption triad and that it is the emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of the child.   Figuring out how to reach such an outcome is obviously not agreed upon by all within the adoption triad or adoption industry. 

  

Hopefully as we are given the opportunity to share our experiences with one another and to learn from each other, we will be able to improve outcomes for children and parents.  Outcomes that will enhance parent-child relationships, as well as individual lives.  The challenge will be to use all this abundant information to not only improve outcomes within current adoption triads, but also improve the outcome for anyone who finds themselves facing the question of whether to parent a child in difficult or unexpected circumstances or whether to relinquish a child to adoption.